Bittersweet Memories
by Yami-Red-Uchiha
Summary: What happens when someone writes 4 letters to 4 seperate people? What secrets does she share? Will they shatter the Cullen family or does it make them stronger? Rated M for safety, but may add later. Story based off of two songs by BFMV's newest album.
1. A Place Where You Belong

It's been a year since she committed suicide. A year that still feels like a century and he still couldn't wrap his mind around it. Everyone thought that Esme had everything that she wanted and needed. He didn't understand. When she wanted him home more often, Carlisle took a part time job at the hospital. Edward didn't know she thought of this often, Alice had been killed a few years ago, and Jasper has been blocking his ability since she died, and Bella has never left his side since. No one knew. Rose and Emmett were on their third honeymoon when Esme returned to the earth.

Everyone had an idea why, but no one could say. They all, excluding Rose and Emmett, got a note each from Alice; each note containing a reason why she did what she did, but no one could put it together yet. If only Alice was still around, then Esme might still be there. Nothing was the same in the Cullen house.

_~ Dear sweet Bella,_

_I never thought that one day I would be a grandmother. It never occurred to me that a male vampire and a human woman could procreate together. But you and Edward did. And Renesmee is truly a miracle. You may know that I had a miscarriage, but you may not know that I had another child three years prior. A three-year-old toddler called Ethan and the cutest little thing ever. I kept this child a secret from everyone but Edward and Carlisle. Before I jumped off that cliff that led to my transformation, I killed my Ethan. I had gone down to the apothecary a few weeks before. I had mixed some arsenic into his nightly water and I held him as he passed. I was planning to die and I didn't want to leave my baby alone in the world after I left._

_You may not think me a monster or of someone evil, but I am exactly that. Know that I've always loved you, precious Bella. You and Renesmee were what this coven needed before I left. Yes, I was planning my second death even before Edward met you._

_Love you always,_

_Esme Cullen ~_

The next letter she wrote was for Edward.

_~ My dear son,_

_Edward, you know all of my past, and we both know that I'm hardly the saint you made me out to be. We both know that I've killed Ethan, a miscarriage, and that I've killed four innocents. I have always carried that guilt. I couldn't live with it so I was waiting for the appropriate time to leave this place for good, removing myself from this planet. When you brought Bella home, I knew that I could start making plans. I saw how happy you were when you looked at her and then when you married her and had Renesmee a year and a half later, I knew that my time had come. I waited until you were happy. I love you, Edward, as if you were from my own flesh. I just ask that you watch out for Carlisle. We were never really truly mates, Carlisle and I; although he thought we were. He just doesn't know that his mate is already living with him. Alice and Jasper were never really mates and neither were you and Bella. But the four of you were happy, so who was I to disrupt that?_

_Forever your mother,_

Esme Cullen ~

The next one was the hardest to read because it told a truth that Carlisle never really knew and never really wanted to know.

_~ My love,_

_ It has been 80 years this coming Spring. You have given me everything you could and so much more. But you must know that we were never really mates, not in the truest sense and you must've felt this deep down somewhere. You know that we never had the happiness that Rose and Emmett did, but we tried so hard. But, my love, I found my mate three days before I planned to commit suicide. Yesterday the wolves got him. I wish I was honest with you in person, but I couldn't so I took the coward's way out and wrote this._

_I remember, though, I think 50 years ago, we went to Florence, Paris, Greece, Mesopotamia, and Japan. We spent 3 years doing that before we decided to come back to the US. Those three years were the best of my undead life. But you deserve better; you deserve to be happy with your mate. And yes, you are gay. You just don't really know that yet._

_ I'll always love you,_

_ Esme Cullen~_

Jasper's was the most revealing of all though. It tells Jasper a part of Esme that know one, not even Edward or Carlisle knew.

_ ~Jasper,_

_ I know you are still grieving for Alice so I will try to be as gentle as possible about this; Alice never was your mate. She would've had Edward not be there. I've had a gift, Jazz, and no one knew not even Edward. I could commune with the dead, Jazz. And do you know who came to me? Alice and your mother; your mother is so proud of you for accomplishing what you did, even under Maria. And Alice wants you to be happy. She wants you to stop grieving for her and start being happy. Your mate is still suffering, Jasper. You know who she is; she's never left your side, not since Alice passed._

_ You need to move on, my son. Tend to your mate. You may still love Alice, but don't leave Bella alone with the pain either. You do that and you lose her forever. And that pain is not worth living with. Believe me. I love you like you were my own. Take care of the family._

_ Your mother,_

_ Esme Cullen_

Once everyone sat down, when Rose and Emmett got back, they put the notes together and read them. Only Rose and Emmett didn't get any notes. They got three roses instead. A black one, a red one, and a white rose. No one but Rose and Emmett know what the colors meant. But everyone saw what Esme wrote for everyone else. After 2 more years, things were starting to get better. Carlisle was still healing, but was starting to understand what Esme said about him being gay and that he was already with his mate. He had denied it for so long, that part of his reasoning about why he had changed Edward.

Bella was not allowing herself to grieve too much. Every once in a while, someone will do something that will remind her of Alice and she'll get upset for a few days but she's been getting better. Her and Jasper have been growing together, allowing each other to open up to the other, and learning more about each other.

Edward is still struggling to understand the shifting dynamics that is happening to his family while trying to understand his relationship with Carlisle. Edward and Bella had the divorce shortly before Alice died.

Jasper was the first to realize that Esme's reasons were in her letters. It took him a while to figure it out, but he did. He recalled a psychology teacher saying that sometimes people express themselves clearer and better through a visual. Jasper was also allowing himself to open up again and start using his gifts again.

And Rose and Emmett help where they can. Things won't be the same in the Cullen house, but they do get better. And maybe even better than they were before.

**A/N**

**Okay, how was it? I really would like to know because this is the first time I wrote a sad story. It took me forever to type it up, but it's done. And this story was based on two songs by Bullet for my Valentine - A Place Where You Belong and Bittersweet Memories. Awesome songs, I recommend listening to them while reading this story, but you don't have to. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Author's Note

Hello, everyone. This is not an update on any of my stories, this is a blasted A/N. I hate these things when I want a new chapter, but I also feel the necessity. I have added a new poll to my site, my first one ever. It's a Naruto poll, so if it's your type, take a look. If not, you can still look and vote or just ignore it. It'll be open until my sister's birthday, which is the 24th of next month (May) so hurry over and enjoy!

Again, I'm sorry about the A/N!


	3. Notice

The administrators of are as of June 4th going to be taking down Fics that have lemons or have extreme violence. Now I don't know about you but I think thats stupid. There are many wonderful fics that only have one or two lemons in them yet the plot itself is awesome! You can't just take down a 100,000+ word fic just because it has a lemon in a chapter that is only 1000 words long. Now I urge you all to read the petition below, sign it, and repost this to your own fics. Hopefully if we make enough noise everything will return to normal. Thank you.

Greetings to the fine folk that moderate our site.

Myself, along with many, have been writing and posting on your fine site for years now, some of the better examples of up and coming writers out there are now suddenly finding some of the stories we've come to love at risk of being removed without the chance to even rectify our errors.

For some, that means the permanent loss of a story. While I don't have anything that I believe violates your terms of use, there are those out there that are never able to recover a story in its original form, this is something I find to be almost worthy of a legal action, as while we cannot claim ownership of a character, the stories are OURS and simply destroying them is something that is inexcusable.

It's quite easy to simply add an MA rating, additional filters or even a simple requirement for a free membership to read the stories presented here, and would cut down on hateful anonymous reviews and posts at the same time, so I have to question as to why such a thing, in all this time, simply wasn't added.

If you're worried about falsification of a registration then have an appropriate disclaimer and then there can be no dispute, you took your steps and the PARENTS didn't monitor their children, if that is even your concern. If it is more of a personal view or desire then please at least let people know and give them a chance to remove a story that you and yours find offensive, most people on the site are actually rather cordial when it comes to such requests.

While I cannot say for sure if this letter will even reach those that may be willing to listen, of if it's more akin to a wide spectrum purge in preparation for something bigger, please understand that you are going to be looseing a LARGE number of your writers, and thus your income from a lack of readers if there is not some level of action taken to help with this situation.

For those that may agree with this, please feel free to sign on and send this to the support server, maybe we can get some movement on this.

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